Sadly, the world did not end yesterday and we are all alive and well.
This is why.

http://www.theonion.com/static/videos/widgets/player/blank.mp4

We were sitting at the kitchen table, eating.
Silverware clinked.
Teeth chomped.
Dad opened his mouth, some food falling out. 
"I have a very special announcement! We-"
Then the roof fell in.
Mom screamed, and that cat pounced on my head, claws digging into my scalp.
We could hear explosions.
"NO! THE STOVE!" Mom panicked.
Our house burst into flames.
I guess we'll never hear the special announcement. 

"Die, Banana!"

My captor had me in a headlock, kindly notifying me that he would soon kill me.

He dug his sharp, sharp nails deep into my head, creating many long gashes. I could see the guts streaming from the unjuries, but what really frightened me was the fact that I was not feeling anything.

The captor picked at the deep cuts he had created, and, to my horror, began peeling off strips of my skin. The pain was so intense to the point that I was blinded by a fog of agony and all I could think was burn...burn. 

Soon I was nothing by soft, vulnerable flesh. My captor lifted me, now just a blob of bloodied pulp, towards his mouth.
He was to eat me!

I felt a last wave of excruciating pain as his incisors punctured my body.

My life flashed before me, from my childhood in a tree with my brothers and sisters  to the time I was locked in a dark box and emerged in a vast, bright box. I saw when I was placed in a pile of others of my kind. They became my friends, and I remembered my confusion when they were taken by those life my captor...

For a second I was still there, feeling oddly happy, despite the sight of my severed body being pulled farther and farther away....

The darkness washed over me.