No matter how good you are at something, there is always an eight year old Asian who is better.
 
 
  • Grab a random child by the shoulders and scream "I'M YOU FROM THE FUTURE!!!"
  • Tell a friend of a friend when being introduced "I've heard much about you" in a serious voice
  • Ride a burro into a volcano
 
“What Comfort can the Vortices of Descartes give to a Man who has Whirlwinds in his bowels!” 
― Benjamin Franklin
“Fools make feasts and wise men eat them.” 
― Benjamin Franklin
 
As a child, you

slept with all of your stuffed animals, so none got offended
stuck your arms in your shirt an told people you lost them
restarted video games when you knew you were going to lose
poured soda into small cups and pretended to take shots
 
Picture
The lunch bell rang.  Children streamed into the cafeteria, some eager to eat, but most dreading their meals. ..

 The eager children were the ones whose mothers packed their lunches in cute brown bags stuffed full with artfully sliced sandwiches, cups of fluffy, sweet, prepackaged pudding, crisp fruit, and “naturally flavored” boxes of juice. They could enjoy eating.

The rest of the children, staring enviously at the students fishing juice boxes and delicacies wrapped between bread slices out of neatly packed paper sacks, shuffled cautiously down the lunch line, trying not to breathe in the foul fumes of what lay ahead.

Lucy found herself in this line. 

Usually a brown bag kid, in the rush to catch the school bus she had neglected to grab it. She had wanted to survive by nibbling bits off her friends’ meals, but no, Mrs. Gerdbin, the school’s evil lunch monitor strictly forbid the sharing of food. “Germs,” she would always say, “the horrid creatures constantly crawling in and out of your mouth, up and down your hands, swimming around in your fingernails…sharing food will just get you more of them. We don’t want that now, would we?” Having said that, she would gleefully pluck the morsel out of the hands of the unfortunate student she was lecturing and toss it into the nearest garbage can.

Mrs. Gerdbin also loved watching the horror pass over students’ faces when she proclaimed to them in a sickly sweet voice, “Now, every good growing boy and girl needs good nutrition, so I’m going to give you a free lunch ticket and kind Myrtle and Dorothy here will feed you a nice, nutritious meal. Make sure you finish it, because you know how we feel about wasting!” Gerdbin would then crack her knuckles and bare her decaying yellow teeth at her victim in a smile while pointing at the lunch ladies, who grinned evilly and waved.

Having sat fearfully through all of Gerdbin’s routines, Lucy was plucked out of her seat and marched over to the lunch line.  “I’ll be making sure you get that nice healthy meal of yours!” the lunch monitor sang as she skipped away, happy to have ruined the day of another innocent child.

Lucy had heard that the stuff the lunch ladies put into the weekly meatloaf had the same ingredients as the stuff that paved the sidewalks in front of the school. She had heard that the principal had hired these ladies as a way to get revenge on the kid who stole his briefcase years ago. She had heard that to save money, the lunch ladies spit in the food instead of seasoning it. She had even heard a rumor that one of the ladies was secretly a scientist studying the effects of eating radioactive waste on middle schoolers.

Well, so she had heard.

So as the line inched forward, Lucy glanced at the menu.

                                                                    TOMATO SOUP or SPINACH CASSEROLE

 


                                                                      CHOCOLATE CAKE or PEACH COBBLER



 
                                                                                       WATER or PUNCH 





Being an optimist, Lucy decided that chocolate cake couldn’t get that bad, and that nothing could be wrong with the tomato soup. She would order those. And punch sounded pretty good, too.

But then she was hit by the most horrible stench in her whole life. It smelled like a skunk had rolled around in a pool of elephant poop then drowned, and floated around in the pool for a month then was immersed in a cow fart and peed on by a naughty little boy. The smell was that, but even worse. The odor crawled up Lucy's nostrils and stayed there, suffocating her. She began to cough. 

“AHH,” A scratchy, high pitched whine interrupted her asphyxiation.  “Takin’ in thuh delishuhs smell uve da soup, eh?” It was an overly made-up, chunky lady, with a large slightly purple hairy mole over her lip. She was wearing an apron over a greasy blue uniform and a holey hairnet. There was a tiny nametag pinned onto the apron, which looked like it had once been white, reading MYRTLE. This monstrosity was a lunch lady. Lucy had no choice but to say yes, it did smell wonderful, as the lunch lady was licking her unusually sharp teeth threateningly and tapping her unusually long and glittery nails impatiently on the soiled counter.

“SEW, watsit gonna be, kid?  Ya bettah be hurryin’ aluong, cuos, we gottallotta kayds ta serve!”

Myrtle pointed an ultra-long fingernail extension to two bubbling pots filled with an oily brown sludge in which furry chunks of something purplish kept floating up that she was standing next to.   Lucy couldn’t help thinking that they could be some of Myrtle’s moles…

“I-I’ll take the tomato soup, please.” Lucy watched, feeling very nauseous, as Myrtle plopped a large blob of the brown-purple muck into Lucy’s bowl. “Dessuot is down de lane, kid.” Myrtle said in her high pitched whine. 

Lucy slid her tray down the lane, optimism mostly dissolved.







Myrtle loved cooking. She was a self taught chef, specializing in exotic dishes and going off the recipe. She broke many cooking rules, thinking herself a rebel cook as she ripped off her hairnets and gloves, letting her unwashed hair flow free over her dishes. She was especially fond of boiling food, and everything she made was cooked this way. Her whole life, she had cooked as much as possible, for her family, for her friends, for random strangers...

She didn't have much family left now. Most of her friends had passed too. For some reason, they had all died of food poisoning. Myrtle couldn't figure out why, as they had mostly eaten the food she made, and she made sure it was very sanitary. Sure, the occasional bit of toe gunk or fingernail fell in there, but it was probably all sterilized through the boiling.


Despite her wonderful passion for the preparing of food, no one appreciated Myrtle's art. Whenever she offered to cook dinner or contribute to a potluck, the person she was speaking to always turned green and started taking deep breaths before she was politely denied. She was never able to get a job at any restaurant due to her "New Age" style. Close minded old people,  she called the people who didn't approve of her ways. 

Finally, Myrtle was able to find employment as a middle school lunch lady...

fish

1/25/2013

0 Comments

 
I'm going to get a new fish. I've had many pet fish in the past. Unfortunately, I was unable to keep any of them alive longer than seven days. I take all my failures seriously, and was quite wounded when my umpteenth fish went belly-up. The shame it was to fail as a fish-owner! I went into stark denial. In fact, as it floated upside down in its bowl, I tried to poke it upright again, thinking that maybe it was just pretending. 

Pretty much the same thing happened with the rest of my pets, some of which include a hamster (smashed by a refrigerator) and a hermit crab (drowned).

Please cheer me on. I only want my fish to survive. FOR THE CHILDREN!!!!!

 
Last night, I had a dream in which these giant pastel colored Cheerios on pedestals were breaking through the sky, which was already crumbling violently. As the last crumb of sky was shaken out, a loud voice boomed from the heavens that in the year 2014, Google would not have enough digits to stay up and would fall into the apocalypse. It declared the same terrible fate to Google in 2015, and also 2016. Then it started yelling about a place called Groogle and donuts.  An ear-piercing laugh rang through the land as flying water heaters zipped around. And I woke, screaming.

As I write this, I realize that the dream was more humorous then scary, but at 3 AM, it was terrifying. 

I am probably spending too much time in cyberspace if I'm having nightmares about search engines.
 

The eldest children in families tend to develop higher I.Q.’s than their siblings, researchers are reporting today, in a large study that could settle more than a half-century of scientific debate about the relationship between I.Q. and birth order.

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Readers' Questions

Dr. Frank Sulloway, an expert on family dynamics, answered readers' questions about birth order and intelligence. Read his answers.

The average difference in I.Q. was slight — three points higher in the eldest child than in the closest sibling — but significant, the researchers said. And they said the results made it clear that it was due to family dynamics, not to biological factors like prenatal environment.

Researchers have long had evidence that firstborns tended to be more dutiful and cautious than their siblings, and some previous studies found significant I.Q. differences. But critics said those reports were not conclusive, because they did not take into account the vast differences in upbringing among families.

Three points on an I.Q. test may not sound like much. But experts say it can be a tipping point for some people — the difference between a high B average and a low A, for instance. That, in turn, can have a cumulative effect that could mean the difference between admission to an elite private liberal-arts college and a less exclusive public one.

Moreover, researchers said yesterday that the results — being published today in separate papers in two journals, Science and Intelligence — would lead to more intensive study into the family dynamics behind such differences. Though the study was done in men, the scientists said the results would almost certainly apply to women as well.

“I consider these two papers the most important publications to come out in this field in 70 years; it’s a dream come true,” said Frank J. Sulloway, a psychologist at the Institute of Personality and Social Research at the University of California, Berkeley.

Dr. Sulloway, who was not involved in the study but wrote an editorial accompanying it, added that “there was some room for doubt about this effect before, but that room has now been eliminated.”

Effects of birth order are notoriously difficult to study, and some critics are still dubious. Joseph Lee Rodgers, a psychologist at the University of Oklahoma and a longtime skeptic of such effects, said the new analysis was not conclusive.

“Past research included hundreds of reported birth order effects” that were not legitimate, Dr. Rodgers wrote in an e-mail message. “I’m not sure whether the patterns in the Science article are real or not; more description of methodology is required.”

In the study, Norwegian epidemiologists analyzed data on birth order, health status and I.Q. scores of 241,310 18- and 19-year-old men born from 1967 to 1976, using military records. After correcting for factors that may affect scores, including parents’ education level, maternal age at birth and family size, the researchers found that eldest children scored an average of 103.2, about 3 percent higher than second children (100.3) and 4 percent higher than thirdborns (99.0).

The difference was an average, meaning that it varied by family and showed up in most families but not all.

The scientists then looked at I.Q. scores in 63,951 pairs of brothers, and found the same results. Differences in household environments did not explain elder siblings’ higher scores.

Because sex has little effect on I.Q. scores, the results almost certainly apply to females as well, said Dr. Petter Kristensen, an epidemiologist at the University of Oslo and the lead author of the Science study. His co-author was Dr. Tor Bjerkedal, an epidemiologist at the Norwegian Armed Forces Medical Services.

To test whether the difference could be due to biological factors, the researchers examined the scores of young men who became the eldest in the household after an older sibling had died. Their scores came out the same, on average, as those of biological firstborns.

“This is quite firm evidence that the biological explanation is not true,” Dr. Kristensen said in a telephone interview.

Social scientists have proposed several theories to explain how birth order might affect intelligence scores. Firstborns have their parents’ undivided attention as infants, and even if that attention is later divided evenly with a sibling or more, it means that over time they will have more cumulative adult attention, in theory enriching their vocabulary and reasoning abilities.

But this argument does not explain a consistent finding in children under 12: among these youngsters, later-born siblings actually tend to outscore the eldest on I.Q. tests. Researchers theorize that this precociousness may reflect how new children alter the family’s overall intellectual resource pool.

Adding a young child may, in a sense, diminish the family’s overall intellectual environment, as far as an older sibling is concerned; yet the younger sibling benefits from the maturity of both the parents and the older brother or sister. This dynamic may quickly cancel and reverse the head start the older child received from his parents.

Still, the question remains: How do the elders sneak back to the head of the class?

One possibility, proposed by the psychologist Robert Zajonc, is that older siblings consolidate and organize their knowledge in their natural roles as tutors to junior. These lessons, in short, benefit the teacher more than the student.

Another potential explanation concerns how siblings find a niche in the family. Some studies find that both the older and younger siblings tend to describe the firstborn as more disciplined, responsible, high-achieving. Studies suggest — and parents know from experience — that to distinguish themselves, younger siblings often develop other skills, like social charm, a good curveball, mastery of the electric bass, acting skills.

“Like Darwin’s finches, they are eking out alternative ways of deriving the maximum benefit out of the environment, and not directly competing for the same resources as the eldest,” Dr. Sulloway said. “They are developing diverse interests and expertise that the I.Q. tests do not measure.”

This kind of experimentation might explain evidence that younger siblings often live more adventurous lives than their older brother or sister. They are more likely to participate in dangerous sports than eldest children, and more likely to travel to exotic places, studies find. They tend to be less conventional than firstborns, and some of the most provocative and influential figures in science spent their childhoods in the shadow of an older brother or sister (or two or three or four).

Charles Darwin, author of the revolutionary “Origin of Species,” was the fifth of six children. Nicolaus Copernicus, the Polish-born astronomer who determined that the sun, not the earth, was the center of the planetary system, grew up the youngest of four. The mathematician and philosopher René Descartes, the youngest of three, was a key figure in the scientific revolution that began in the 16th century.

Firstborns have won more Nobel Prizes in science than younger siblings, but often by advancing current understanding, rather than overturning it.

“It’s the difference between every-year or every-decade creativity and every-century creativity,” Dr. Sulloway said, “between innovation and radical innovation.”